A Very Glee Chrismukkah
by xxWritingGirlxx
Summary: A parody of Glee Christmas specials, mainly "Extraordinary Merry Christmas". Rated T for Tubbington. When Christmas gets stolen, the New Directions have a heart attack. It's up to them now, only Glee can get it back. So they get some Christmas cheer, in hopes it'll help people far and near. Oh, and Rachel celebrates some holiday.


**A VERY GLEEFUL CHRISMUKKAH**

**A/N: So I know Hanukkah was on Thanksgiving this year, but for this story's purposes it's near Christmas! Happy Holidays everyone!**

Will had the perfect idea for everyone to come together for the holidays.

He stepped away from the board. It read: Christmas Songs That Will Sell the Most on iTunes. 

"OK, kids. You know the drill!" Will told them, "we'll fit in a plot somehow!" Everyone in the choir room nodded mechanically.

"Can I sing most of them?" Blaine asked excitedly, his hazel eyes lighting up. Did I mention they were hazel? Because they were totally hazel. Hazel was the color. Of Blaine's eyes. Which were hazel.

"Pshh, you can sing all of them!" Will laughed. They high-fived and bumped their sweater vest covered chests together.

"What about me?! I'm the New Rachel!" Marley protested, "er… kind of."

"You can have one, if you MUST," Will decided, sighing, then said under his breath, "You'll probably faint in the middle of it." Blaine glared at Marley.

"Do McFatty and whoever you are over there _really _need to sing all the songs? Their even being here is making me break out in hives. Well… I guess the good kind of hives?" Kitty attempted to be nice.

"So it's settled!" Will ignored Kitty, "Now can I PLEASE get back to teaching now?!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Sam's laughter filled the entire choir room. The rest of the Glee Club turned and stared at him with confusion.

"Wait, that wasn't a joke?"

* * *

In New York, Kurt, Rachel, and Santana were getting ready for Christmas.

"I bought us a little tree, like in Charlie Brown," Kurt said, humming "White Christmas" and gesturing toward a ragged, rather sad-looking tree in the corner.

"As much as I LOVE that scraggly little tree," Santana said sarcastically, "I say we go plastic." She pulled a huge, pristine plastic tree out of seemingly nowhere that towered over Kurt's tiny tree. Kurt narrowed his eyes at her.

"Go plastic? Like your boob job?" he shot back. Santana glared at him. Rachel whistled "I Have a Little Dreidel" awkwardly in the background.

"What, Rachel? Here, eat the Christmas cookies while I grab the manger scene," Santana told her, "I hope no asshole takes it down because I really don't feel like having a living manger." Rachel shot her a weird look.

"Why would you need a living manger… anyway, guys, Hanukkah is around Christmas this year, and there's no room for my menorah! And I can't make latkes because your 10 ton ham is taking up my entire kitchen!" Rachel ranted. Kurt and Santana exchanged a look and shrugged.

"I'll have you know it's a 15 ton ham!" Kurt cried.

"Yeah! And what the hell is a Hanukkah?" Santana added.

* * *

Back at McKinley, the Glee Club was busy getting ready. The tinsel in the room was almost enough to cover all of Sue's tracksuits if they were lined up, which was quite a feat. The Christmas trees were so decked out they didn't even look like trees.

Brittany was the most decked-out of them all. She wore a Santa hat with a little jingle bell on the end, huge, red jingle bell earrings, and a dress made entirely of little jingle bells. The whole Glee Club winced whenever she moved.

"OK! Now that that's done, what's the lesson this year? That you can't take Christ out of Christmas? That Christmas is about love, not presents?"

"We have to stop Lord Tubbington from stealing Christmas!" Brittany piped up. Will sighed.

"Sadly, I have no fresh ideas, so we have to take Brittany's suggestion. Unless…" Will mused to himself, "maybe a—no, that's ridiculous. They're not nearly tall enough to reach the angle I want in the locker rooms—"

"Mr. Schue…"

"Right, getting off track. So, Brittany's idea it is. Are there any Top 40 songs about cats?" Will asked. He scribbled out, "Cat Steals Christmas" on the board and underlined it. "Well, my work here is done."

"Well… there are, but I don't think they're talking about cats," Artie told him. He winked at Kitty. Blaine shot him a weird look.

"Of course they're about cats! I mean, I'm more of a dog person, so I don't quite get the obsession…" Blaine protested. Tina patted him on the back.

"Of course they are, Blaine, of course they are. Hey, I saved the port-a-potty. Can I bring it in and paint it red and green?" Tina asked.

* * *

Rachel passed back and forth in their loft.

"I just don't understand," she said. Santana gave her a look.

"While you're having your mental episode, I'm going to get some presents," Santana decided. She walked out the front door, leaving Kurt and Rachel.

"Well… let's talk about the nine-limbed elephant in the room," Kurt said, "what is _that?_" Rachel threw her hands up in frustration.

"It's a menorah!" Rachel cried. Kurt shrugged.

"Ok, whatever _that _is. You can do whatever you want. I mean, it's Christmas! Or… almost Christmas," Kurt went back to wrapping gifts in his new sparkly snowflake wrapping paper, "now go to your room. You're not allowed to see your gift. And yes, it IS something on your Christmas list. Well, considering that your list was, 'anything but a dead pig'. You're surprisingly easy to buy for." Rachel frowned. She hadn't even written a grocery list, let alone…

"Can I see my list?" Rachel asked, her smile saccharine. Kurt handed it over without a words and shooed her to her room.

Rachel studied it. It was her handwriting, alright. But why on earth couldn't she remember… now that she thought about it, she couldn't remember last Hanukkah or Christmas either. It was all a big blur. Rachel grew lightheaded at the discovery and decided to take a nap. Maybe it would all be clear when she woke up.

A few minutes later, she was jolted from her nap by a sound suspiciously close to a chainsaw and Kurt yelling, "C'mon, let's saw the dog in half! After all, it's Christmas!"

* * *

Lord Tubbington sat in the choir room, pondering the idea of killing Mr. Schue and simply taking over the Glee Club.

Then he wouldn't have to be part of this ridiculous plot. He wouldn't have to steal Christmas. He could just do what he was born to do… sing. And get black out drunk. But the latter wasn't supposed to happen since his AA meetings, so this would do.

"Steal Christmas, Lord Tubbington," Brittany cried, doing a little dance in front of him. Unique rolled her eyes.

"Kitty is petting kitty," Kitty announced, petting Lord Tubbington, who was lapping up all of the attention.

"Really, Kitty? I thought you hated fat things!" Marley snapped.

"Was that a fat joke?" someone called. Brittany covered Lord Tubbington's ears.

"Shh, he's sensitive about his weight," Brittany told Marley.

"Lord Tubbington IS fat," Sugar miraculously appeared, "sorry, Asperger's." She disappeared into thin air.

"Stop! Don't listen to them, Lord Tubbington," Brittany whispered to the cat. She released him from Kitty so he could get away from all the hurtful comments. Lord Tubbington scurried off.

"Why am I here?" Will lamented.

They were interrupted by the sound of utter silence- Brittany's jingle bells were no longer making any sound. A scream of horror was the only thing that pierced the silent air.

Lord Tubbington, while they were all distracted, had successfully stolen Christmas.

**A/N: Next time... will Kurt saw the dog in half? Will Sugar make another appearance? Who screamed in horror? Will Tina ever bring in the port-a-potty? Will Lord Tubbington ever get to run Glee Club? Will another forgotten person be back? YOU'LL FIND OUT!**


End file.
